When To Step In

“I have done no wrong, yet they are ready to attack me. Arise to help me; look on my plight!” - Psalm 59:4

Recently, we got together with another family for dinner. My husband and I enjoy this couple, but we only see them a couple of times a year. Part of the reason for this infrequency is that our kids don’t particularly enjoy theirs.

Our friends’ kids love playing, they have creative ideas for games, and they are very energetic. The problem is not in finding things to play; it is in the way they play. Throughout the evening, my younger daughter came to me with regular reports on how their playmates were hurting her, using poor manners, and behaving disrespectfully. When we got home she said, “Sometimes those kids are just too much for me.” My older daughter came home with the news that she was repeatedly hit, pushed, poked, and kicked throughout the evening, but since she wasn’t seriously hurt, she hadn’t mentioned it while we were out.

In the past, we have coached our girls through ways of handling situations with these kids. We suggested things to say to work out the conflicts that inevitably arise. However, things appeared to have gone too far this time, and we told our girls that when their friends are irritating or annoying, they need to try to work it out themselves. If they get hit or physically touched in any way they don’t like, they can tell us and we will step in.

Generally, I don’t like getting involved in kids’ squabbles. I think it often causes more problems than it solves. What’s more, kids need to learn the art of negotiation. They will clash with people their entire lives, and won’t always have mom and dad there to help smooth things over. The earlier we can give them tools to work out their own problems, the more practiced they will be when they go out into the world on their own.

However, sometimes there comes a point where things go too far and our children really do need us to intervene. In the process of learning how to work things out, sometimes they need an advocate, particularly when they are under physical attack. It is especially difficult for kids when the one who’s after them is not their sibling. When it comes to brothers and sisters, many kids will just hit right back. But most kids know not to get rough with those outside the family, so they need help learning how to respond to this type of situation.

Kids also need to know that they have the support of their parents when social situations get sticky. Share what you do help your kids when they have trouble dealing with others.

Next week we will continue on this topic by talking about ways to help our kids avoid being the source of playtime problems.