Give Choices You Can Live With

Learning how to make decisions for yourself is part of growing up. Likewise, learning to let kids make their own choices is part of growing as a parent. It is important to start letting kids make their own choices, with limits, as early as possible because this is an area where kids and parents both need a lot of practice.

When letting your children make choices, give them two or three selections to pick from. Keep the offer simple with similar options. “Would you like to wear the pink shirt or the blue shirt with your jeans?” “Would you like to bring crackers, oranges, or carrots to snack on at the park?”

Make sure you can actually see the choices you are offering. This prevents problems like giving the pink shirt as a selection when it is in the laundry, or presenting oranges as a snack option because you don’t know your husband ate the last one at breakfast.

If your child takes a long time making a selection, give her a time limit. Say, “I am going to count to five and then you need to decide or I will pick one for you.” If you end up picking and she gets upset, remind her that she had an opportunity to choose and didn’t take it.

Your child may also have a different option in mind, like, “Can’t I wear the yellow shirt?” If you approve of the selection, allow it. If not, or if it is not available, simply say, “That is not a choice today.” Explain your reason for saying no if you can, but keep it short and to the point. Don’t get drawn into a debate.

Eventually, your child will grow to the point of deciding things for herself without your input. You will wake up one morning to find your child dressed and playing happily in her room. When this happens, give positive comments about her independence and praise her selection if you can. If she has not done a good job getting dressed, simply say something cheerful to acknowledge the effort, such as, “Hey, you got yourself ready!”

Do not criticize her selection, and do not undo it unless absolutely necessary. You don’t want to give your children the message that they are not capable of making good choices. As kids get older, they need to know they can be trusted to make good decisions all on their own.

When your child makes a good choice, praise it. When he makes a poor decision, think purposefully about the situation and decide whether it truly needs to be addressed or not.  If it does require some attention, simply say, “Please make a better choice.” Offer guidance on how to make a different decision, but don’t make it for your child—encourage him to try again.

Remember that our relationships with our children and their growing confidence in their ability to make choices are important – usually more important than what the child chooses.

When do you struggle to let your kids make their own choices?

For more on teaching kids to make good choices, join a Smarter Parenting teleclass. Go to www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com and click on Parent Coaching for more details.