Go for the “Yes”

Do you ever feel like the word “no” makes up 90% of the vocabulary you use with your kids?

“No, you can’t have cookies for breakfast.”

“No, we can’t go swimming right now—it is 5:00 in the morning.”

No. No.  No. Sound familiar?

I’ve noticed that sometimes I get so used to saying no that it automatically flies out of my mouth without thought. However, that is not the kind of mom I want to be, and I don’t want the general sense of negativity the word produces floating around in my house. Whenever possible, I want to be a yes mom.

There is a big difference between a yes mom and a permissive mom. A yes mom does not let her kids get away with misbehavior, nor does she give in to their every whim.  Rather, she is thoughtful enough, and emotionally present enough, to meet her child’s requests with positive options she can support. She can redirect her child without using the word no. For example, consider this dialogue:

Child: “I want to wear my raincoat as a dress today.”

Yes mom: “You may wear your raincoat over a dress, or you can wear it as a dress when we get home from having lunch with Grandma.”

Both options mom presented are reasonable and appropriate, and rather than automatically dismissing her child’s request, she incorporates it into the choices given.

Sometimes there aren’t two good alternatives to a child’s request, but we can still present a choice.  For example, during the school year, my daughter typically needs a jacket for her morning recess, but she doesn’t like wearing it in the car. Carrying it guarantees the jacket will come home on the floor of my SUV. Therefore, her choices are to wear it or put it in her backpack.

She does not like either of these options, and she has valid reasons for disliking them. However, we simply don’t have a good alternative. This happens to all of us sometimes, and we have to learn to make the best of an imperfect situation. As parents, we can stay positive and focus on teaching our children to consider the options and select one, even when it isn’t the solution they’d hoped for.

When we make a point of being yes moms, we force ourselves to consider our kids’ requests and craft thoughtful responses.  When our kids know we hear, and process, what they ask, they are validated and are more likely to behave in positive ways.

Smarter parents keep things positive when they can, even when denying a child’s request.

Under what circumstances to you find yourself saying no without really considering other possibilities?