Monday, September 17, 2012

When Others Need to Discipline Your Kids


Welcome to a new week! I hope that sometime this week you will get a little break for some rejuvenation. Hire a sitter and go on a date with your spouse. Drop the kids off at school and do some true shopping, where you take the time to see what’s new, try on some clothes, spray on a perfume sample, read the labels on food items, etc. Let grandma and grandpa take the kids for the day so you can have lunch and catch a movie with some girlfriends. We all need time to enjoy life without our kids, but that means leaving someone else in charge. Most moms wonder how much authority to give caregivers when it comes to discipline. The answer to this question is: it depends.

Instruct regularly-used babysitters on how time out works and give them permission to use it if needed. Remind them to be gentle and to focus on teaching. Don’t bother instructing the occasional sitter unless your child really needs the established routine in order to behave.

Talk to teachers and daycare providers about the discipline they use. Let the teacher/care provider know how you use time out at home and see if there is a way to incorporate the system used at school/daycare into your time out process. If there is and your child has trouble at school/daycare, talk to your child’s teacher about using the same combo-technique for maximum consistency.

The issue becomes sticky when grandparents supervise the kids. If your child’s grandparents watch him occasionally, just let them have fun and don’t worry about letting the discipline slide unless your child’s behavior becomes a problem. If the grandparents have your children often, teach them how to use time out and encourage them to follow your established routine.

Many grandparents don’t want to be disciplinarians; they want to be the fun adults in your child’s life. However, if the child won’t behave then no one has fun and the grandparent/grandchild relationship suffers.

If this is a problem in your family, remind your kids of how to behave before each visit with their grandparents. Depending on the ages, circumstances, and health conditions of their grandparents, these expectations may change with time and with different family members. These changes make it especially important to let the kids know to behave (give specific example or ideas) and how they can help make the visit a good experience. Ask them to be part of the family team so everyone can have fun, including grandma and grandpa.

Kids need to know that most of the rules are the same no matter who is in charge. While you should accept the fact that grandma and grandpa are probably more lenient, your kids shouldn’t take advantage of the situation. Help grandparents learn how to use time out by modeling it for them. Ask them to discreetly watch you put your child in time out so they see first-hand what to do. Remind them that the goal is to build positive, lasting relationships with their grandchildren and that those relationships become strained when the kids misbehave or when grandma and grandpa allow behavior that mom and dad don’t.

By working together with babysitters, teachers, and grandparents, you give your kids a consistent message that benefits everyone.

What do you do to let caregivers know they have the authority to discipline your kids?

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