Have a Family Game Night

Right now, before you make any other plans, go pull out a few board games and set them somewhere you will see later tonight so you don't forget to have a family game night.

Once you get going, everyone has fun with board games. However, to many of us, the idea doesn't sound very appealing until the fun actually starts. It is also such a simple idea that many of us forget to do it. I know I have games that are nearly new because I so often make bigger, more elaborate plans for family fun that the game boxes remain unopened.

However, over the past few weeks my daughter and I have been making a point of playing together more often. What fun we've had!

Kids learn important life skills through games:
~How to take turns
~How to lose a turn with good grace
~How to be a good sport when winning and losing
~How to be fair
~How to follow directions
~How to follow a sequence
~Critical thinking
~Counting
~How to be an encourager
~Problem solving
~Time management
~Strategy
~Money management (in some games such as Monopoly)
~Fine motor skills (especially when holding a hand of cards
~How to deal with disappointment
~Self confidence
~Communication skills, including intergenerational communication skills
~And more.

Plus, as a parent, games give you the chance to check on your child’s skills and help you assess how he is developing. Pay attention to how your child plays and gently guide him in the areas where he needs to grow. If when moving his piece around the board he tends to skip over spots or doesn’t count correctly, help him move his piece back to where he started so he can try again. If he cries when he doesn’t win, help him learn how to use words to express his unhappiness. Teach him to say, “I am sad that I didn’t win, but I am happy for you.”

You can also use family game night as a chance to talk to your kids about their lives, the issues they are facing and how they feel in a relaxed setting, especially with preteens and teens who may not be as chatty as they once were.

Enjoy the time to bond with your family, practice skills, and have a ton of fun.

When Is Your Child Old Enough For A Sleepover?

It is the call many moms dread, “Can your son/daughter come spend the night?” Sleepovers are lots of fun for kids, and help them practice important skills such as independence and manners. But how do you know if your child is ready?

The complicated answer to this seemingly simple question is that there is no set age at which a child can go to a slumber party. It depends on several factors.

1.       Is your child comfortable separating from you? If she hangs on to your leg when you drop her off at school/preschool/Sunday school, she may not be comfortable leaving you for an entire night. Test this by letting your child spend the night with grandparents, cousins, or close family friends who are familiar to your child and who won’t feel embarrassed calling you in the middle of the night if your child wants to go home. 

2.       Are you comfortable separating from your child? It is natural to worry a bit when allowing your little one to experience something new, but if you spend the entire night obsessing about it, or call the other mom repeatedly to check on your child, you may not be ready. Talk to your spouse or a trusted friend to determine if your fears are grounded in truth or if you need to loosen the reins a little. 

3.       Is your child capable of speaking up for himself? If your child can clearly communicate what he needs, likes, and dislikes, you can probably feel confident that he will do fine at a friend’s house without you. If he is still working on these skills, then stick with shorter play dates where the kids have fun while you and the other mom get to know each other over a cup of coffee.

4.       Do you trust the family inviting your child to spend the night? If you feel comfortable with the parents, it will go a long way in easing your fears about the situation. When you are more relaxed, your child will be also. If you don’t know the parents well, or if you have concerns about the friend’s siblings, tell the other mom you’d like to get to know them better first. Invite the family over for dinner so you can see first-hand how the kids get along and how the parents respond to any conflicts. You can also see what siblings are like. Never send your child to another home if you don’t feel sure he will be safe and well supervised.

5.       How does your child play with others? If she seems to have a steady stream of fun ideas and gets along well with her friends during play dates, she is probably ready for a longer experience, such as an overnight. If she tends to argue a lot or get bored, she may not be ready for an extended interaction. 

6.       It is okay to allow sleepovers with some friends and not others. Try not to get into the details with your child on why some overnights are not allowed until your son/daughter is mature enough not to say something offensive or unkind to a friend. In the meantime, just say, “I’m sorry but that won’t work this time,” and try to leave it at that. You can offer to have the friend over to your house to play, or meet at a park for a fun afternoon. 

7.       Find out if other kids will be there or not. Is this a birthday party with several kids spending the night? If so, who will be there? Will your child know several of the other guests? Make sure your child will have more than one buddy so she doesn't end up feeling left out. Also see if the other guests are kids you are comfortable with your child being around for a long period of time. If there is a serious concern, you can let your child go the party but pick him up before everyone pulls out their sleeping bags.

8.       Avoid setting an age for sleepovers. This can cause unneeded conflict when your child is developmentally ready for an overnight but hasn’t reach the pre-determined age, or when she is old enough to go but you object to the friend who has invited her. Take each invitation on a case-by-case basis. 

9.       Above all, trust your gut. If your instincts say “no,” then your mouth should say it too.

You Are Doing A Great Job!

Moms don’t hear it often enough, so let me tell you, loud and clear, you are GREAT! Even if we haven’t met yet, I bet I know some things you are doing extremely well.

1.       You are exactly the mom your child needs. God put you and your child together for a specific reason. Life may not always be easy (in fact, it may rarely be easy), but you are still the mom your child is supposed to have, and that makes you the very best person for the job.

2.       You love your child like no one else in the world ever can. That is the nature of the special bond between mother and child.

3.       You understand your child’s subtle signals better than anyone else. You know the difference between her cries, when he is truly upset rather than just feeling tired and cranky, when she is scared from a fall but not actually hurt, and all of the other signals children give their moms that the normal onlooker would miss.

4.       You know exactly what to say to make your child feel like the most important person in the world. More importantly, you know what to say to make your child feel like the most important person in your world.

5.       You can turn that little frown upside down. When your child feels blue, you can bring the sunshine like no one else.

Keep up the great work, Mom. You are more valuable than you realize.

Pleasing Picky Eaters

“I don’t like this!”

“I don’t want to try a bite!”

“I want ________!”

If these phrases are familiar at meal time, you probably have a picky eater. Keeping fussy kids nourished can be a challenge, but here are some strategies that might help.

Keep yourself sane by having everyone in your family eat the same meal rather than preparing different dishes for each person. It can be tricky to make one meal when different members of the family like different foods, but everyone will survive the experience and you won’t turn into a short order cook.

For example, when packing school lunches for my kids, both girls get the same items. One of my daughters loves peanut butter and jelly, but the other isn’t crazy about it. Therefore, they only have it once a week. That way one gets her favorite and the other doesn’t have to deal with it too often.

I know moms who give each member of the family his or her favorite foods every day, and it takes too much of their time, is too expensive, and results in picky kids (and husbands) who have limited taste palates and unbalanced diets.

At meal time, encourage everyone to try each item on the plate (within reason—don’t make the kids eat spicy sauces, overly pungent items, or anything that will hurt their mouths). If a child doesn’t like something, he doesn’t need to eat it as long as he tries a bite every time it appears on the plate. A child who didn’t like broccoli last week still has to try it this week since many tastes are acquired after several exposures.

If a child doesn’t like anything on the plate, or eats but is still hungry, he is welcomed to get something else. In my house this means the kids can select something from the meat drawer in our refrigerator. This drawer is stocked with acceptable substitutes, such as lunch meat (keep it nitrate/nitrite free if they eat it often), cheese slices/sticks, cups of plain Greek yogurt they can flavor with fresh fruit or nuts, baby carrots, pea pods, and other things the kids can eat in place of (or in addition to) the dinner I prepared.

In order to replace a dinner, or add to one, with items from the drawer, kids must clear their dinner dishes, get the new food items themselves, and clean up after themselves. Selecting this choice should not make extra work for mom—the kids need to do it independently. Fill the drawer with things that make independence possible.

Make sure the kids ask before going into the drawer, or before getting anything to eat themselves. That way you can monitor what they eat, when, and how much they consume. Also, teach your kids to respect the fact that everything in the fridge isn’t theirs. You may have plans for groceries you’ve purchased, so set clear limits on what the kids can take from the refrigerator or pantry.

If a child won’t try a particular food, don’t fight about it. Simply let your child know that he does not need to eat, but that there won’t be any other foods available until he tries a bite of everything on the plate. If he fuses about this, let him cool off in time out. Food is not worth arguing over.

Is meal preparation stressful for you? If so, what can you do to make it easier? What resources do you need?

Get more ideas for making meal time pleasant in a Smarter Parenting Teleclass. Register today at www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com on the Parent Coaching Page.

Make The Most of Meal Time

Whether it is dealing with picky eaters, kids who won’t sit still, spilled food at every meal, or some other issue, most moms have a challenge on their hands at meal time. I have never heard of a family in which everyone liked the same foods, or in which all family members were hungry at the same time. It is also very common for mom and dad to disagree on meal time rules, such as how much children need to eat or what qualifies as appropriate table behavior.

The strategies we will talk about here are based on the assumption that your children are healthy and are growing at a reasonable rate. If that is not the case, disregard this post and make a meal time plan with your pediatrician and/or nutritionist.

A pre-meal time routine is a great way to signal to your family that it is time to start shifting gears in order to prepare to eat, especially at dinner. Five or ten minutes before the meal will be served, call the kids in to wash their hands and set the table. They can start helping at around 18 months of age by putting out the napkins. Don’t look for perfection, just participation. Older kids can set out silverware or get drinks.

Once the table is ready, ask the kids to sit down and talk with you while you get everything plated. This keeps them from getting underfoot and gives them a few minutes to settle in and prepare to sit through the meal. Young kids often don’t eat much, so they may finish their meals in only a few minutes. This routine gives you a little extra time to bond as a family.

No healthy child will allow himself to starve to death. Given this truth, consider what your priority is for each meal. In my family, I hope to physically nourish my children with food at breakfast and lunch. At dinner I want to nourish family relationships. Dinner is the only meal my kids have with their father, so spending meaningful time with him discussing the day is more important than what they eat.

If the kids misbehave at the table, they get one warning. If the behavior continues, they go to time out. This is not a big deal if you use the time out system effectively throughout the day. If they don’t, you will probably have an unpleasant meal as your food gets cold while you repeatedly re-deliver your child to the time out spot (without talking, of course). Remember that discipline is an investment, and a few lousy meals are an acceptable price to pay for the long-term benefits of teaching your child how to behave.  

If a child tries at least one bite of everything on the plate, and eats half or more of what you provided then says he is full, that counts as eating a meal. Remember that a healthy child will not allow himself to starve, so it is okay if he doesn’t eat a meal. However, we don’t want him developing the habit of snacking between meals instead. Tell a child who doesn’t want his dinner that it is perfectly fine for him to get down from the table, but that he will not get any more food until breakfast tomorrow morning. When he starts crying about being hungry in an hour or two, don’t give in. Simply remind him that he chose to wait until the next meal, and remind yourself that he will not starve. Feel free to offer him a glass of water instead of a snack.

Next time we will talk about what to do when your child is hungry but doesn’t like what you’ve prepared.

Is meal time pleasant in your home? If so, what makes it that way? If not, why?

Go for the “Yes”

Do you ever feel like the word “no” makes up 90% of the vocabulary you use with your kids?

“No, you can’t have cookies for breakfast.”

“No, we can’t go swimming right now—it is 5:00 in the morning.”

No. No.  No. Sound familiar?

I’ve noticed that sometimes I get so used to saying no that it automatically flies out of my mouth without thought. However, that is not the kind of mom I want to be, and I don’t want the general sense of negativity the word produces floating around in my house. Whenever possible, I want to be a yes mom.

There is a big difference between a yes mom and a permissive mom. A yes mom does not let her kids get away with misbehavior, nor does she give in to their every whim.  Rather, she is thoughtful enough, and emotionally present enough, to meet her child’s requests with positive options she can support. She can redirect her child without using the word no. For example, consider this dialogue:

Child: “I want to wear my raincoat as a dress today.”

Yes mom: “You may wear your raincoat over a dress, or you can wear it as a dress when we get home from having lunch with Grandma.”

Both options mom presented are reasonable and appropriate, and rather than automatically dismissing her child’s request, she incorporates it into the choices given.

Sometimes there aren’t two good alternatives to a child’s request, but we can still present a choice.  For example, during the school year, my daughter typically needs a jacket for her morning recess, but she doesn’t like wearing it in the car. Carrying it guarantees the jacket will come home on the floor of my SUV. Therefore, her choices are to wear it or put it in her backpack.

She does not like either of these options, and she has valid reasons for disliking them. However, we simply don’t have a good alternative. This happens to all of us sometimes, and we have to learn to make the best of an imperfect situation. As parents, we can stay positive and focus on teaching our children to consider the options and select one, even when it isn’t the solution they’d hoped for.

When we make a point of being yes moms, we force ourselves to consider our kids’ requests and craft thoughtful responses.  When our kids know we hear, and process, what they ask, they are validated and are more likely to behave in positive ways.

Smarter parents keep things positive when they can, even when denying a child’s request.

Under what circumstances to you find yourself saying no without really considering other possibilities?

Pick Your Battles

Last time we talked about giving kids choices. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed by the volume of choices we make in a day and it can be hard to decide which to hand over to our kids, which to make ourselves, and when to hold firm to our decisions when our kids want something different. We call this “picking our battles” because it just isn’t practical, fun, or relationship-building to argue over everything.

If we question everything our children do we will be in constant conflict. We want our kids to develop the ability to think, to assess situations, and to make appropriate decisions based on those assessments. This takes lots and lots of practice, trial and error, and the experience of making mistakes and learning from them. Let your children fail so they can learn from those encounters. It is one of the hardest things for parents to do, and it is one of the most educational for kids.

Take a few minutes to think about your values and your vision for your family. What is truly important to you? When your children are grown and they leave your home, what character traits do you want firmly planted in them? These will help you pick your battles. If your child makes a decision that conflicts with one of your core values, you will definitely want to address it. If he makes a choice that you don’t care for but it doesn’t impact his values, you can often let his choice stand.

Smarter parents give their children the opportunity to make smart choices, then pick their battles, focusing on the issues related to their values.

Do you feel like you can evaluate situations well in order to pick your battles wisely?

Learn more about picking your battles in a Smarter Parenting teleclass. Go to www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com today to get details and register.

Give Choices You Can Live With

Learning how to make decisions for yourself is part of growing up. Likewise, learning to let kids make their own choices is part of growing as a parent. It is important to start letting kids make their own choices, with limits, as early as possible because this is an area where kids and parents both need a lot of practice.

When letting your children make choices, give them two or three selections to pick from. Keep the offer simple with similar options. “Would you like to wear the pink shirt or the blue shirt with your jeans?” “Would you like to bring crackers, oranges, or carrots to snack on at the park?”

Make sure you can actually see the choices you are offering. This prevents problems like giving the pink shirt as a selection when it is in the laundry, or presenting oranges as a snack option because you don’t know your husband ate the last one at breakfast.

If your child takes a long time making a selection, give her a time limit. Say, “I am going to count to five and then you need to decide or I will pick one for you.” If you end up picking and she gets upset, remind her that she had an opportunity to choose and didn’t take it.

Your child may also have a different option in mind, like, “Can’t I wear the yellow shirt?” If you approve of the selection, allow it. If not, or if it is not available, simply say, “That is not a choice today.” Explain your reason for saying no if you can, but keep it short and to the point. Don’t get drawn into a debate.

Eventually, your child will grow to the point of deciding things for herself without your input. You will wake up one morning to find your child dressed and playing happily in her room. When this happens, give positive comments about her independence and praise her selection if you can. If she has not done a good job getting dressed, simply say something cheerful to acknowledge the effort, such as, “Hey, you got yourself ready!”

Do not criticize her selection, and do not undo it unless absolutely necessary. You don’t want to give your children the message that they are not capable of making good choices. As kids get older, they need to know they can be trusted to make good decisions all on their own.

When your child makes a good choice, praise it. When he makes a poor decision, think purposefully about the situation and decide whether it truly needs to be addressed or not.  If it does require some attention, simply say, “Please make a better choice.” Offer guidance on how to make a different decision, but don’t make it for your child—encourage him to try again.

Remember that our relationships with our children and their growing confidence in their ability to make choices are important – usually more important than what the child chooses.

When do you struggle to let your kids make their own choices?

For more on teaching kids to make good choices, join a Smarter Parenting teleclass. Go to www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com and click on Parent Coaching for more details.

When Others Need to Discipline Your Kids

Welcome to a new week! I hope that sometime this week you will get a little break for some rejuvenation. Hire a sitter and go on a date with your spouse. Drop the kids off at school and do some true shopping, where you take the time to see what’s new, try on some clothes, spray on a perfume sample, read the labels on food items, etc. Let grandma and grandpa take the kids for the day so you can have lunch and catch a movie with some girlfriends. We all need time to enjoy life without our kids, but that means leaving someone else in charge. Most moms wonder how much authority to give caregivers when it comes to discipline. The answer to this question is: it depends.

Instruct regularly-used babysitters on how time out works and give them permission to use it if needed. Remind them to be gentle and to focus on teaching. Don’t bother instructing the occasional sitter unless your child really needs the established routine in order to behave.

Talk to teachers and daycare providers about the discipline they use. Let the teacher/care provider know how you use time out at home and see if there is a way to incorporate the system used at school/daycare into your time out process. If there is and your child has trouble at school/daycare, talk to your child’s teacher about using the same combo-technique for maximum consistency.

The issue becomes sticky when grandparents supervise the kids. If your child’s grandparents watch him occasionally, just let them have fun and don’t worry about letting the discipline slide unless your child’s behavior becomes a problem. If the grandparents have your children often, teach them how to use time out and encourage them to follow your established routine.

Many grandparents don’t want to be disciplinarians; they want to be the fun adults in your child’s life. However, if the child won’t behave then no one has fun and the grandparent/grandchild relationship suffers.

If this is a problem in your family, remind your kids of how to behave before each visit with their grandparents. Depending on the ages, circumstances, and health conditions of their grandparents, these expectations may change with time and with different family members. These changes make it especially important to let the kids know to behave (give specific example or ideas) and how they can help make the visit a good experience. Ask them to be part of the family team so everyone can have fun, including grandma and grandpa.

Kids need to know that most of the rules are the same no matter who is in charge. While you should accept the fact that grandma and grandpa are probably more lenient, your kids shouldn’t take advantage of the situation. Help grandparents learn how to use time out by modeling it for them. Ask them to discreetly watch you put your child in time out so they see first-hand what to do. Remind them that the goal is to build positive, lasting relationships with their grandchildren and that those relationships become strained when the kids misbehave or when grandma and grandpa allow behavior that mom and dad don’t.

By working together with babysitters, teachers, and grandparents, you give your kids a consistent message that benefits everyone.

What do you do to let caregivers know they have the authority to discipline your kids?

Know How to Discipline in Public

You open your refrigerator door to look for breakfast, and realize you are out of milk, eggs, and several other staples. Time to make a grocery run. You grab your list and pack your kids into the car and head for the store.

After getting everyone settled into the cart, you begin, as we talked about last week, gathering your groceries by quickly working from your list, not slowing down to look at what’s new or to read labels. However, your speed doesn’t stop the kids from picking and poking at each other. As their annoyance grows, so do their voices. “Stop touching me!” yells one child. “I didn’t!” screams the other (the response my youngest daughter once gave to the “I didn’t touch you,” answer was, “You touched my atmosphere!”).

Before you know it, the kids are screeching, crying, and making an embarrassing scene. What do you do?

The first thing to remember is to be consistent. You don’t want your children to wonder, “How will Mom respond.” Therefore, it doesn’t matter if you are at home, the store, the park, or grandma’s house, use time out with a few minor modifications (For instructions on how to use time out effectively, see the blog post from August 6, 2012).

When a child misbehaves in public, give one warning, just like you do at home. Let him know that repeating the behavior will result in a time out wherever you happen to be. The second time your child acts up, find a spot for him to sit. Try to find an empty aisle of the grocery store (it may not stay empty, and that is okay—don’t move your child if someone enters the aisle), a quiet corner at the park, or an unused room in someone’s house (keeping the bathroom as a last resort). We want an uncrowded spot because we are trying to teach, not embarrass or distract the child away from his behavior.

Take your child to the spot you identified and have him sit for one minute per year of age. In public, you will not leave your child. Simply turn away from him so you won’t be engaged. If he leaves the spot, start the time over again. If you are in a store and he touches the items on the shelves or racks, start over again. If he screams or becomes overly unruly, leave your cart, take him to the car and do your time out there. After time out you can retrieve your cart and finish shopping or just come back another day if you prefer.

When the time is done, have your normal post-time out conversation by asking, “Why are you in time out,” “How can you handle this better next time,” and “Tell me you are sorry.” Then give your child a hug and move on.

Some kids may test you to see if you are really committed to sticking with this plan. Make it clear that you will not accept unreasonable behavior and you will correct your child, no matter where you are. You may have a few really bad outings while he tests you, but before long, he will learn that you mean business and his behavior will improve.

How have you corrected your child in public in the past? Was it effective? What do you plan to do next time?

For more tips and details on how to discipline in public, join a Smarter Parenting Teleclass! Register at www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com on the Parent Coaching page.

At Risk

“The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.” - Ecclesiastes 9:11

Seat belts. Helmets. Hand sanitizer. Our days fill up with efforts to minimize our risk related to the various dangers of life. Most of our attempts at safety are for the best. After all, no one wants to spend the day in the emergency room. But at what point do we take caution too far?

Perhaps more importantly, what are we teaching our children about fear?

How do we instill an understanding of the need for reasonable precautions while encouraging our kids to take appropriate risks? We don’t want our kids growing up afraid to take a chance on a friendship, on the sporting field, or in the classroom. What would childhood be like if we were all too afraid to ever get on a bicycle or climb a tree? What would our adult lives look like if we had been too afraid as teenagers to try driving, or dating, or auditioning for the school play?

We tend to grow the most through the experiences that challenge us. Likewise, experts say that self esteem is built not through the praise of others, but by proving to ourselves that we can succeed at the things we find difficult. In order to do this, we need to take a chance and try the things that challenge us, and so do our kids.

One of my favorite Bible verses is 2 Timothy 1:7. It says, “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” What can you do to encourage your child to develop the spirit God gave her? Does she need encouragement to try something new? Does she need the opportunity to practice a budding skill until it finally blossoms? Is she yearning for the chance to stretch a little too far without fearing that you will call her back too soon?

If letting go is difficult, ask God to show you areas where you can comfortably let your child take a greater risk. Also ask Him where you can go out on a limb yourself. Sometimes the best way to encourage our kids to take a scary step is by taking it ourselves.

What can you do this week to teach your child to be bold rather than fearful?

Struggling To Reach The Goal

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 1:6

During the month of November, my writer’s group is having a challenge. Each member set goals at the beginning of the month, and we have thirty days to accomplish them.

I put serious thought into my goals. I wanted to set reasonable expectations while still stretching myself in meaningful ways.

Now, here we are, nearly halfway through the month, and I have made hardly a dent in accomplishing my objectives. My lack of forward momentum is frustrating, and as I cross off each day on the calendar, I feel the weight of a looming deadline pressing harder.

I am sure you’ve had a similar experience. In fact, our kids have them as well. One of my daughters is in the process of challenging herself to be more independent. We have always joked that her motto is, “Why do for yourself what others will do for you?” That is changing as we now hear, “Let me try it myself,” with increasing frequency (along with all of the tears that accompany her less successful efforts).

My other daughter is putting her energy into slowing down and doing nice, neat schoolwork. She is learning that often the correct answer is not enough, especially if the teacher can’t read it. She gets frustrated when her grades reflect her penmanship rather than her knowledge.

When I struggle with meeting my goals, it helps to have someone encourage me while also holding me accountable. We can be this “someone” for our children by cheering for each little step of progress they make and by not letting them give up when things get tricky, or when the thought of a different goal catches their fancy. For example, my messy writer knows that when she goes a whole week without needing to redo any of her homework, she will get a special outing with Mom.

Changing ourselves takes a great deal of self-discipline, but if we don’t take the challenge, we can’t grow. God tells us that He will see our work through to completion, but often that means we need to be open to learning new skills and developing in ways that allow Him to finish that work in us.

How is He stretching you today?