Pleasing Picky Eaters

“I don’t like this!”

“I don’t want to try a bite!”

“I want ________!”

If these phrases are familiar at meal time, you probably have a picky eater. Keeping fussy kids nourished can be a challenge, but here are some strategies that might help.

Keep yourself sane by having everyone in your family eat the same meal rather than preparing different dishes for each person. It can be tricky to make one meal when different members of the family like different foods, but everyone will survive the experience and you won’t turn into a short order cook.

For example, when packing school lunches for my kids, both girls get the same items. One of my daughters loves peanut butter and jelly, but the other isn’t crazy about it. Therefore, they only have it once a week. That way one gets her favorite and the other doesn’t have to deal with it too often.

I know moms who give each member of the family his or her favorite foods every day, and it takes too much of their time, is too expensive, and results in picky kids (and husbands) who have limited taste palates and unbalanced diets.

At meal time, encourage everyone to try each item on the plate (within reason—don’t make the kids eat spicy sauces, overly pungent items, or anything that will hurt their mouths). If a child doesn’t like something, he doesn’t need to eat it as long as he tries a bite every time it appears on the plate. A child who didn’t like broccoli last week still has to try it this week since many tastes are acquired after several exposures.

If a child doesn’t like anything on the plate, or eats but is still hungry, he is welcomed to get something else. In my house this means the kids can select something from the meat drawer in our refrigerator. This drawer is stocked with acceptable substitutes, such as lunch meat (keep it nitrate/nitrite free if they eat it often), cheese slices/sticks, cups of plain Greek yogurt they can flavor with fresh fruit or nuts, baby carrots, pea pods, and other things the kids can eat in place of (or in addition to) the dinner I prepared.

In order to replace a dinner, or add to one, with items from the drawer, kids must clear their dinner dishes, get the new food items themselves, and clean up after themselves. Selecting this choice should not make extra work for mom—the kids need to do it independently. Fill the drawer with things that make independence possible.

Make sure the kids ask before going into the drawer, or before getting anything to eat themselves. That way you can monitor what they eat, when, and how much they consume. Also, teach your kids to respect the fact that everything in the fridge isn’t theirs. You may have plans for groceries you’ve purchased, so set clear limits on what the kids can take from the refrigerator or pantry.

If a child won’t try a particular food, don’t fight about it. Simply let your child know that he does not need to eat, but that there won’t be any other foods available until he tries a bite of everything on the plate. If he fuses about this, let him cool off in time out. Food is not worth arguing over.

Is meal preparation stressful for you? If so, what can you do to make it easier? What resources do you need?

Get more ideas for making meal time pleasant in a Smarter Parenting Teleclass. Register today at www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com on the Parent Coaching Page.

Make The Most of Meal Time

Whether it is dealing with picky eaters, kids who won’t sit still, spilled food at every meal, or some other issue, most moms have a challenge on their hands at meal time. I have never heard of a family in which everyone liked the same foods, or in which all family members were hungry at the same time. It is also very common for mom and dad to disagree on meal time rules, such as how much children need to eat or what qualifies as appropriate table behavior.

The strategies we will talk about here are based on the assumption that your children are healthy and are growing at a reasonable rate. If that is not the case, disregard this post and make a meal time plan with your pediatrician and/or nutritionist.

A pre-meal time routine is a great way to signal to your family that it is time to start shifting gears in order to prepare to eat, especially at dinner. Five or ten minutes before the meal will be served, call the kids in to wash their hands and set the table. They can start helping at around 18 months of age by putting out the napkins. Don’t look for perfection, just participation. Older kids can set out silverware or get drinks.

Once the table is ready, ask the kids to sit down and talk with you while you get everything plated. This keeps them from getting underfoot and gives them a few minutes to settle in and prepare to sit through the meal. Young kids often don’t eat much, so they may finish their meals in only a few minutes. This routine gives you a little extra time to bond as a family.

No healthy child will allow himself to starve to death. Given this truth, consider what your priority is for each meal. In my family, I hope to physically nourish my children with food at breakfast and lunch. At dinner I want to nourish family relationships. Dinner is the only meal my kids have with their father, so spending meaningful time with him discussing the day is more important than what they eat.

If the kids misbehave at the table, they get one warning. If the behavior continues, they go to time out. This is not a big deal if you use the time out system effectively throughout the day. If they don’t, you will probably have an unpleasant meal as your food gets cold while you repeatedly re-deliver your child to the time out spot (without talking, of course). Remember that discipline is an investment, and a few lousy meals are an acceptable price to pay for the long-term benefits of teaching your child how to behave.  

If a child tries at least one bite of everything on the plate, and eats half or more of what you provided then says he is full, that counts as eating a meal. Remember that a healthy child will not allow himself to starve, so it is okay if he doesn’t eat a meal. However, we don’t want him developing the habit of snacking between meals instead. Tell a child who doesn’t want his dinner that it is perfectly fine for him to get down from the table, but that he will not get any more food until breakfast tomorrow morning. When he starts crying about being hungry in an hour or two, don’t give in. Simply remind him that he chose to wait until the next meal, and remind yourself that he will not starve. Feel free to offer him a glass of water instead of a snack.

Next time we will talk about what to do when your child is hungry but doesn’t like what you’ve prepared.

Is meal time pleasant in your home? If so, what makes it that way? If not, why?

Go for the “Yes”

Do you ever feel like the word “no” makes up 90% of the vocabulary you use with your kids?

“No, you can’t have cookies for breakfast.”

“No, we can’t go swimming right now—it is 5:00 in the morning.”

No. No.  No. Sound familiar?

I’ve noticed that sometimes I get so used to saying no that it automatically flies out of my mouth without thought. However, that is not the kind of mom I want to be, and I don’t want the general sense of negativity the word produces floating around in my house. Whenever possible, I want to be a yes mom.

There is a big difference between a yes mom and a permissive mom. A yes mom does not let her kids get away with misbehavior, nor does she give in to their every whim.  Rather, she is thoughtful enough, and emotionally present enough, to meet her child’s requests with positive options she can support. She can redirect her child without using the word no. For example, consider this dialogue:

Child: “I want to wear my raincoat as a dress today.”

Yes mom: “You may wear your raincoat over a dress, or you can wear it as a dress when we get home from having lunch with Grandma.”

Both options mom presented are reasonable and appropriate, and rather than automatically dismissing her child’s request, she incorporates it into the choices given.

Sometimes there aren’t two good alternatives to a child’s request, but we can still present a choice.  For example, during the school year, my daughter typically needs a jacket for her morning recess, but she doesn’t like wearing it in the car. Carrying it guarantees the jacket will come home on the floor of my SUV. Therefore, her choices are to wear it or put it in her backpack.

She does not like either of these options, and she has valid reasons for disliking them. However, we simply don’t have a good alternative. This happens to all of us sometimes, and we have to learn to make the best of an imperfect situation. As parents, we can stay positive and focus on teaching our children to consider the options and select one, even when it isn’t the solution they’d hoped for.

When we make a point of being yes moms, we force ourselves to consider our kids’ requests and craft thoughtful responses.  When our kids know we hear, and process, what they ask, they are validated and are more likely to behave in positive ways.

Smarter parents keep things positive when they can, even when denying a child’s request.

Under what circumstances to you find yourself saying no without really considering other possibilities?

Pick Your Battles

Last time we talked about giving kids choices. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed by the volume of choices we make in a day and it can be hard to decide which to hand over to our kids, which to make ourselves, and when to hold firm to our decisions when our kids want something different. We call this “picking our battles” because it just isn’t practical, fun, or relationship-building to argue over everything.

If we question everything our children do we will be in constant conflict. We want our kids to develop the ability to think, to assess situations, and to make appropriate decisions based on those assessments. This takes lots and lots of practice, trial and error, and the experience of making mistakes and learning from them. Let your children fail so they can learn from those encounters. It is one of the hardest things for parents to do, and it is one of the most educational for kids.

Take a few minutes to think about your values and your vision for your family. What is truly important to you? When your children are grown and they leave your home, what character traits do you want firmly planted in them? These will help you pick your battles. If your child makes a decision that conflicts with one of your core values, you will definitely want to address it. If he makes a choice that you don’t care for but it doesn’t impact his values, you can often let his choice stand.

Smarter parents give their children the opportunity to make smart choices, then pick their battles, focusing on the issues related to their values.

Do you feel like you can evaluate situations well in order to pick your battles wisely?

Learn more about picking your battles in a Smarter Parenting teleclass. Go to www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com today to get details and register.