Savoring Christmas - An Interview with Author Stacy Voss

A friend recently posed a question on Facebook: “Does anyone have any ideas on how to get kids in the true spirit of Christmas?” It’s the age-old question, the inner dilemma many parents face in wanting our kids to see December 25^th as so much more than just a day to receive presents. Stacy Voss, author of the new book, Savoring Christmas: 31 Days to Prepare Your Heart for the Messiah, is “here” to share a few thoughts with us.

 

Stacy, what do you recommend we parents do to help make Christmas more meaningful to our kids?

Let me start by saying I don’t come close to having all the answers on this one. It truly is a beast to tackle, but I’ll gladly share the little I do know about it.

 

My book, Savoring Christmas: 31 Days to Prepare Your Heart for the Messiah, just came out. Honestly, I didn’t write it intending families to sit down and read it together, but as more and more people are telling me that’s what they’re doing, I’m realizing the book really is a great way to share with kids, perhaps in large part because I reference my own little ones quite a bit. For example, I talk about my Bubba having a meltdown in a toy store a few weeks before Christmas and say that is the meaning of Christmas.

 

Gabe wailed after I told him he couldn’t buy any toys since Christmas was right around the corner, at least in my mind since it was only a few weeks away. But to a then 5-year-old, it was a different story: “Christmas is just so far away!”

 

There was a 400-year gap from the time of the last prophet until the birth of Christ. Talk about a long time! It isn’t hard for me to imagine the Israelites crying out, “How much longer, God!” I’ve used that as a teaching point with my kids. Rather than criticizing them for growing impatient around Christmas, we talk about how the Jews must have felt and the eager anticipation it created.

I also pull other examples from my kids, such as when I thought my daughter would be ecstatic over what I got her and she was anything but. It hurt my heart and I wanted to get mad, but then it hit me: how many people were disappointed that the One they were hoping to save them was born in a stinky stable? Oh, yes. Disappointment really does bring meaning to Christmas.

 

Other than using your kids as examples, what are some other ways Savoring Christmas will help children understand the deeper meaning of Christmas?

 

Day 1 of the book is entitled “Scarfing versus Savoring.” It talks about my black lab gulping down her meals so quickly that she seems to forget she even ate. She begins begging for more food just a few minutes later. I think we tend to do the same at Christmas, jumping from one activity to the next so quickly that we forget what we’ve even done. I contrast that with Mary, who “treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart” (Luke 2:19).

 

Each day has 3-4 optional questions or activities. One of them for Day 1 is to create a treasure box (mimicking Mary’s “treasuring”) by jotting down at least one thing that happens each day throughout advent that helps us prepare for the celebration of the Messiah’s birth, or a treasure of what we learn as we pour into others throughout the month.

 

I just found an adorable Willow Tree box with a woman holding a heart as if she’s truly treasuring it. I think I’m going to pick one up and challenge my kids to see if we can fill it together this Christmas season.

What are some other things we can do to help our kids better understand the meaning of Christmas?

 

Last year, my pastor said he gives his kids 3 presents every year. 1 represents the frankincense, which in his house is a more practical gift. The second is for the myrrh, and the third, gold. He said this approach has made it less about seeing who will get more while drawing the focus back to Christ.

 

Operation Christmas Child and Project Angel Tree are also great ways to let the kiddos pick out items to give away and remind them that there are others who otherwise wouldn’t receive anything for Christmas.

 

My mom used to work with someone who threw a birthday party for Jesus every year. There was cake, ice-cream, games—everything you’d expect at a kid’s birthday. The main difference was that everyone brought a wrapped gift such as pajamas or jackets that were given to underprivileged children.

 

Another friend fills a large jar with their spare change all year and then uses it to bless others at Christmas. She says, “We call it our ‘blessing jar’ as a daily reminder that we are called to bless others.”

 

Stacy, is it too late for someone to start reading your book this year?

 

Day 1 actually starts on December 1^st (remember how I said that disappointment embodies the meaning of Christmas? Well, that comes on December 26^th and then the rest of the month is spent praising God for His gift and preparing our hearts to let Him lead us into the New Year.

 

If someone wants a copy of your book, how can they find it?

 

It’s on Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Savoring-Christmas-Devotions-Prepare-Messiah/dp/1502739321/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414713003&sr=1-4&keywords=savoring+christmas) in both a paperback and kindle version, and it’s also on my site at www.stacyvoss.com/store.

 

Stacy, thanks for sharing!

 

Thank you!

Off The Mark With Fatigue

“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." - Jeremiah 31:25

I remember the day I took my then-9-year-old to her first archery class.  She had been practicing with a toy bow and arrow for years and eagerly anticipated the day when she could get her hands on the real thing.

After stretching and warming up, she finally strapped on a protective arm guard and picked up a real bow.  She straddled the firing line, aimed, and let her arrow fly.  It streamed through the air, straight and true.  Success.  One after another, her arrows hit targets fifteen yards away as her smile got bigger and bigger. 

I have no idea how many arrows she launched, but after about 40 minutes her bow was tipping to the side and her arrows hit low on the target.  Fatigue led to a loss of focus, and therefore, less accuracy.

I’ve sure had that feeling as a mom.  When I am tired, I am much more likely to ignore an offense that really should be disciplined.  I serve food that is easy to get on the table, even if its nutritional value is marginal.  Dawdling is allowed to the point where the kids go to bed later than normal when I don’t have the energy to keep them on track through the bed time routine.

When mom is tired, everyone suffers.

Now, when this happens occasionally, I don’t worry about it.  What concerns me is when it becomes the normal state of family life.  Sometimes what starts as fatigue turns into apathy.

Mom, please make the commitment today to take whatever steps are needed to give yourself more energy.  Maybe you need more sleep.  Maybe you need to cut sugar or simple carbs from your diet.  Maybe you need to eat more veggies, or take a multi-vitamin, or get some exercise.  Maybe you need a little downtime to just play.  Maybe you could ask God to help, and spend some extra time in prayer with the Giver Of All Good Things.  You may even need to experiment with some different ideas to figure out which ones really make a noticeable difference for you.

After putting down her bow and stretching again for ten or fifteen minutes, my daughter went back to the firing line and started hitting her targets again.  As moms, we can be on the mark as well with just a little refreshment.

What do you do to re-energize yourself when you start feeling weary?

10 Reminders for Moms

Happy New Year! 'Tis the season to set new resolutions, but sometimes we get so excited about our grand goals that we forget the little things we need to do every day to truly feel great about our parenting. Here are 10 Reminders to help you keep your family in shape so you can focus attention on those other goals.

10 New Year’s Reminders for Moms

1 – Give hugs to every day (to your kids and your husband)

2 – Kids hear better when mom’s voice is calm and kind.

3 – Cranky kids and naughty kids are often tired kids. Protect bedtime!

4 – The way you talk to your child tells him his value. Make sure your words and your tone tell him he is special, wonderful, and precious.

5 – Make time to play.

6 – Kids need parents, not another friend. Don’t be afraid of your parental authority.

7 – Listen more than you speak. Listen with your ears, eyes, heart, and gut – you will learn a lot!

8 – Don’t jump in too quickly – give your kids a chance to find their own solutions and fix their own problems.

9 – Model forgiveness.

10 – Say “I love you” every day.

Perk Up Popcorn With Easy Add-Ins

Popcorn is a classic snack that nearly everyone loves. It packs well in school lunches, makes a great afternoon treat, and of course, is a movie night staple.

You can add variety, and sometimes an extra boost of nutrients, by mixing some other fun ingredients amidst those yummy puffs.

Try these add-ins, in any combination you like, to perk up your popcorn:

1.       Dry roasted edamame (soy beans)

2.       Sunflower or pumpkin seeds

3.       Mini pretzels

4.       A sprinkle of cinnamon sugar

5.       Parmesan cheese

6.       Craisins, dried pineapple pieces, or other dried fruit

7.       Chocolate chips, yogurt chips, or M&Ms

8.       Dry cereal, such as Cheerios, Kix, or Chex

9.       Peanuts or other nuts

10.   Candied or coated nuts

Happy snacking!

Winning Lessons for Little Athletes

Thanks to their large supply of energy and low dose of discernment where balls, mats, or running is concerned, most kids enjoy some kind of athletic activity. This is a great thing because, not only do they get needed exercise, but kids also learn valuable life lessons on the sporting field.

Sports Can Help Develop Godly Character

When you praise your child, avoid talking up the score or the trophy. Winning kids already know you are proud of the accomplishment. Instead, point out examples of good sportsmanship, team leadership, dedication, perseverance, etc. Make sure your child knows you are proud not only when he wins, but when he puts forth a good effort and excels in all areas of the game, not just scoring.

Use Sports To Teach Kids About Priorities

Since kids typically don’t want to miss practices or games, use these occasions to help them learn how and where to focus their efforts. I like to prioritize commitments in the following order: God, family, work/school, other commitments, social time with friends. This means that we don’t join sporting leagues with games every Sunday morning (I am okay with occasionally missing church for a sporting event, but not more that once a quarter). It also means that homework needs to be done before going to practice. Family includes both family events and family obligations, meaning chores need to be done consistently if the child wishes to keep playing.

Handle Winning And Losing The Same Way

Obviously it is exciting to win and disappointing to lose. However, too many kids don’t know how to win or lose well. We can help this by basically treating both the same. After the game, let your child share her feelings and experience them with her, as long as she keeps them healthy. If she is excited about a win, be happy with her. If she is depressed over a loss, let her know you sympathize. Make sure, however, that she keeps her emotions within the realm of good sportsmanship. Bragging, weeping, or angrily criticizing other players, coaches, or refs is not acceptable.

Analyze the game and talk about what went well and where there is room for improvement. Keep it light and short to avoid launching into a lecture.

As we discussed before, praise the skills she used on the field that don’t clearly contribute to the score, such as leadership, encouragement, and good sportsmanship.

 

With these tips, your kids will have a great time both on the field and off.

Enjoy the Snow for Fun and Fitness

The next time your kids ask you to play in the snow, take them up on their offer and trade some gym time for family fun. According to fitsugar.com, a 150 lb woman burns the following calories per hour when engaged in these fun winter activities.

Building a snowman = 285 calories

Having a snowball fight = 319 calories

Making snow angels = 214 calories

Downhill skiing or snowboarding = 340 calories

Snowshoeing or cross country skiing = 476 calories

Ice skating = 408 calories

Sledding = 408 calories

Shoveling (okay, so maybe this one isn’t much fun) = 340 calories

Get out there and have fun with your kids – it is good for all of you!

Have a Family Game Night

Right now, before you make any other plans, go pull out a few board games and set them somewhere you will see later tonight so you don't forget to have a family game night.

Once you get going, everyone has fun with board games. However, to many of us, the idea doesn't sound very appealing until the fun actually starts. It is also such a simple idea that many of us forget to do it. I know I have games that are nearly new because I so often make bigger, more elaborate plans for family fun that the game boxes remain unopened.

However, over the past few weeks my daughter and I have been making a point of playing together more often. What fun we've had!

Kids learn important life skills through games:
~How to take turns
~How to lose a turn with good grace
~How to be a good sport when winning and losing
~How to be fair
~How to follow directions
~How to follow a sequence
~Critical thinking
~Counting
~How to be an encourager
~Problem solving
~Time management
~Strategy
~Money management (in some games such as Monopoly)
~Fine motor skills (especially when holding a hand of cards
~How to deal with disappointment
~Self confidence
~Communication skills, including intergenerational communication skills
~And more.

Plus, as a parent, games give you the chance to check on your child’s skills and help you assess how he is developing. Pay attention to how your child plays and gently guide him in the areas where he needs to grow. If when moving his piece around the board he tends to skip over spots or doesn’t count correctly, help him move his piece back to where he started so he can try again. If he cries when he doesn’t win, help him learn how to use words to express his unhappiness. Teach him to say, “I am sad that I didn’t win, but I am happy for you.”

You can also use family game night as a chance to talk to your kids about their lives, the issues they are facing and how they feel in a relaxed setting, especially with preteens and teens who may not be as chatty as they once were.

Enjoy the time to bond with your family, practice skills, and have a ton of fun.

What To Do With All That Cash

Did your kids receive gifts of cash for Christmas? If they haven’t already spent it, they may be trying to figure out how to extinguish that fire burning in their pockets.

Kids love the freedom, independence, and power that comes from spending their own money on items they’ve hand selected. These experiences are great, teaching kids to make decisions, manage money, and live with the joys or consequences of their choices.

However, before heading to the store, have a conversation with your child about his thoughts on where the money should go. I recommend giving kids three separate piggy banks: a spending bank, a savings bank, and an offering bank. Allowance money should typically be divided between the three banks (I let the child decide how to split the amount between the banks, but that is a topic for another post). You and your child can decide if gift money, or other special occasion money, also needs to be divided or if it can just be spent on something fun.

Discuss what type of purchase your child has in mind. If she has been saving for a particular toy, her Christmas money might allow her to make that purchase. Perhaps she received a large sum, but just wants a few inexpensive things, like a Littlest PetShop figure or a Zooble. In that case, talk to her about taking a little money to the store and saving the rest for the next time she’d like a new toy. If your child has no idea what she wants, ask if she would like to start by looking at toys, clothes, books, etc. so you have an idea of where to start shopping and she can start making a mental plan. Wandering around Target looking for something to buy is not usually the best plan. When kids do this, they tend to make impulse purchases they later regret. I am in favor of doing this with a little bit of money because it teaches kids to be more thoughtful in their purchases, but protect them from the huge disappointment of wasting ALL of their gift money on an unwise choice.

Also, let your kids know that you always have the final say on a purchase. It does not matter that it is the child’s money, as the parent you do not have to let inappropriate clothes, music, video games, toys, or anything else into your house. Don’t censor a child’s purchase because you think it is silly or unrealistic (although you should gently ask questions about such items to help your child evaluate the true value of the item), but do stand by your morals and let your kids know when items cross the line.

By taking the time to discuss your child’s shopping goals before heading to the store, you are likely to have more fun and your child will have a better money management experience.

Make a Fun and Easy Fruit Dip

Looking for creative ways to get your kids to eat more fruit? Try this fun dip.

Combine 1 8oz brick of cream cheese (I like the lowfat Neufchatel cheese), 1/2 cup brown sugar, and 1 tsp. vanilla. Blend until smooth and creamy.

Stiffer fruits, such as apple slices and whole strawberries, can easily be dipped. Flimsier varieties such as peach slices may need to be spread with the mixture.

Once the fruit has some cheese on it, your child can dip the piece again in crushed walnuts, pecans or shredded coconut for extra fun and protein.

You can even put some dip in a small plastic container for a sack lunch treat.

Fruit has never been so much fun!

When Is Your Child Old Enough For A Sleepover?

It is the call many moms dread, “Can your son/daughter come spend the night?” Sleepovers are lots of fun for kids, and help them practice important skills such as independence and manners. But how do you know if your child is ready?

The complicated answer to this seemingly simple question is that there is no set age at which a child can go to a slumber party. It depends on several factors.

1.       Is your child comfortable separating from you? If she hangs on to your leg when you drop her off at school/preschool/Sunday school, she may not be comfortable leaving you for an entire night. Test this by letting your child spend the night with grandparents, cousins, or close family friends who are familiar to your child and who won’t feel embarrassed calling you in the middle of the night if your child wants to go home. 

2.       Are you comfortable separating from your child? It is natural to worry a bit when allowing your little one to experience something new, but if you spend the entire night obsessing about it, or call the other mom repeatedly to check on your child, you may not be ready. Talk to your spouse or a trusted friend to determine if your fears are grounded in truth or if you need to loosen the reins a little. 

3.       Is your child capable of speaking up for himself? If your child can clearly communicate what he needs, likes, and dislikes, you can probably feel confident that he will do fine at a friend’s house without you. If he is still working on these skills, then stick with shorter play dates where the kids have fun while you and the other mom get to know each other over a cup of coffee.

4.       Do you trust the family inviting your child to spend the night? If you feel comfortable with the parents, it will go a long way in easing your fears about the situation. When you are more relaxed, your child will be also. If you don’t know the parents well, or if you have concerns about the friend’s siblings, tell the other mom you’d like to get to know them better first. Invite the family over for dinner so you can see first-hand how the kids get along and how the parents respond to any conflicts. You can also see what siblings are like. Never send your child to another home if you don’t feel sure he will be safe and well supervised.

5.       How does your child play with others? If she seems to have a steady stream of fun ideas and gets along well with her friends during play dates, she is probably ready for a longer experience, such as an overnight. If she tends to argue a lot or get bored, she may not be ready for an extended interaction. 

6.       It is okay to allow sleepovers with some friends and not others. Try not to get into the details with your child on why some overnights are not allowed until your son/daughter is mature enough not to say something offensive or unkind to a friend. In the meantime, just say, “I’m sorry but that won’t work this time,” and try to leave it at that. You can offer to have the friend over to your house to play, or meet at a park for a fun afternoon. 

7.       Find out if other kids will be there or not. Is this a birthday party with several kids spending the night? If so, who will be there? Will your child know several of the other guests? Make sure your child will have more than one buddy so she doesn't end up feeling left out. Also see if the other guests are kids you are comfortable with your child being around for a long period of time. If there is a serious concern, you can let your child go the party but pick him up before everyone pulls out their sleeping bags.

8.       Avoid setting an age for sleepovers. This can cause unneeded conflict when your child is developmentally ready for an overnight but hasn’t reach the pre-determined age, or when she is old enough to go but you object to the friend who has invited her. Take each invitation on a case-by-case basis. 

9.       Above all, trust your gut. If your instincts say “no,” then your mouth should say it too.

For a Quick and East Dinner, Try Happy Hats

You may remember eating Straw Hats as a kid. When I was growing up they were one of my favorite hot lunch entrees at school. I still love them, and so do my kids. You basically make sloppy joe meat, serve it on top of tortilla chips, and top it with shredded cheddar cheese.

However, I found an easy variation on this that my family also loves. My youngest daughter named it Happy Hats, because it is like Straw Hats but it makes her even happier.

Brown one pound of ground beef.

Add one large 28oz can of baked beans (I like Bush's Homestyle beans, but any kind will do) and one 15 1/4 oz can of whole kernel corn to the beef. Simmer until everything is hot and well-mixed.

Serve over Fritos (the Fritos Scoops work really well) and top with finely shredded cheddar cheese.

Enjoy, and have a great weekend!

You Are Doing A Great Job!

Moms don’t hear it often enough, so let me tell you, loud and clear, you are GREAT! Even if we haven’t met yet, I bet I know some things you are doing extremely well.

1.       You are exactly the mom your child needs. God put you and your child together for a specific reason. Life may not always be easy (in fact, it may rarely be easy), but you are still the mom your child is supposed to have, and that makes you the very best person for the job.

2.       You love your child like no one else in the world ever can. That is the nature of the special bond between mother and child.

3.       You understand your child’s subtle signals better than anyone else. You know the difference between her cries, when he is truly upset rather than just feeling tired and cranky, when she is scared from a fall but not actually hurt, and all of the other signals children give their moms that the normal onlooker would miss.

4.       You know exactly what to say to make your child feel like the most important person in the world. More importantly, you know what to say to make your child feel like the most important person in your world.

5.       You can turn that little frown upside down. When your child feels blue, you can bring the sunshine like no one else.

Keep up the great work, Mom. You are more valuable than you realize.

Ask a Question - Get Entered to Win a FREE Book!

What are the biggest parenting issues you face right now? What are questions you really want answered? What information would make mothering easier for you?

Ask as many questions as you want by posting here. One name will be chosen at random from those posts to win a free copy of my book, Mothering Like The Father: Following God's Example in Parenting Young Children. Keep it for yourself or gift it to another mom. The drawing will be held on November 16, 2012.

Your questions will be answered in the coming months here at Mom of All Trades and in my e-newsletter, Monthly Answers for Moms. If you are not a Monthly Answers subscriber, send your name and e-mail address through the Keep In Touch page at www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com to start receiving great information every month for free.

I look forward to seeing your questions!

Choices Are Like Votes

Happy Election Day! My favorite part of this day is knowing that tomorrow I won't have to watch any campaign commercials and no pollsters or political action groups will call during dinner. I will have at least a week off before the hubbub of the next campaign season begins again.

However, we never really get a break from voting, because every choice we make is essentially a vote. I am constantly bombarded with options, and I make selections. I may not do it with a ballot, but my actions make known what I believe in and what/who I support on a daily basis.

There are things we all do regularly to live out this "vote," and we call these actions traditions. Some are daily rituals and others mark special occasions, but our traditions often tend to say, "This is something I value - it is important to me."

We are quickly moving into prime tradition season, since most of us celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve/Day in similar ways every year. So I ask you, what traditions do you like? Which ones do you dislike? What do you want to change about your traditions? How can you change traditions? What do your traditions say about your values?

If you get my newsletter, Monthly Answers for Moms, we've already explored some of these questions together. I can't wait to hear your thoughts as you comment here. If you don't get the newsletter, send your name and e-mail address through the Keep In Touch page at www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com and I'll make sure you start receiving it.

I'm looking forward to hearing about your traditions!

Pleasing Picky Eaters

“I don’t like this!”

“I don’t want to try a bite!”

“I want ________!”

If these phrases are familiar at meal time, you probably have a picky eater. Keeping fussy kids nourished can be a challenge, but here are some strategies that might help.

Keep yourself sane by having everyone in your family eat the same meal rather than preparing different dishes for each person. It can be tricky to make one meal when different members of the family like different foods, but everyone will survive the experience and you won’t turn into a short order cook.

For example, when packing school lunches for my kids, both girls get the same items. One of my daughters loves peanut butter and jelly, but the other isn’t crazy about it. Therefore, they only have it once a week. That way one gets her favorite and the other doesn’t have to deal with it too often.

I know moms who give each member of the family his or her favorite foods every day, and it takes too much of their time, is too expensive, and results in picky kids (and husbands) who have limited taste palates and unbalanced diets.

At meal time, encourage everyone to try each item on the plate (within reason—don’t make the kids eat spicy sauces, overly pungent items, or anything that will hurt their mouths). If a child doesn’t like something, he doesn’t need to eat it as long as he tries a bite every time it appears on the plate. A child who didn’t like broccoli last week still has to try it this week since many tastes are acquired after several exposures.

If a child doesn’t like anything on the plate, or eats but is still hungry, he is welcomed to get something else. In my house this means the kids can select something from the meat drawer in our refrigerator. This drawer is stocked with acceptable substitutes, such as lunch meat (keep it nitrate/nitrite free if they eat it often), cheese slices/sticks, cups of plain Greek yogurt they can flavor with fresh fruit or nuts, baby carrots, pea pods, and other things the kids can eat in place of (or in addition to) the dinner I prepared.

In order to replace a dinner, or add to one, with items from the drawer, kids must clear their dinner dishes, get the new food items themselves, and clean up after themselves. Selecting this choice should not make extra work for mom—the kids need to do it independently. Fill the drawer with things that make independence possible.

Make sure the kids ask before going into the drawer, or before getting anything to eat themselves. That way you can monitor what they eat, when, and how much they consume. Also, teach your kids to respect the fact that everything in the fridge isn’t theirs. You may have plans for groceries you’ve purchased, so set clear limits on what the kids can take from the refrigerator or pantry.

If a child won’t try a particular food, don’t fight about it. Simply let your child know that he does not need to eat, but that there won’t be any other foods available until he tries a bite of everything on the plate. If he fuses about this, let him cool off in time out. Food is not worth arguing over.

Is meal preparation stressful for you? If so, what can you do to make it easier? What resources do you need?

Get more ideas for making meal time pleasant in a Smarter Parenting Teleclass. Register today at www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com on the Parent Coaching Page.

Make The Most of Meal Time

Whether it is dealing with picky eaters, kids who won’t sit still, spilled food at every meal, or some other issue, most moms have a challenge on their hands at meal time. I have never heard of a family in which everyone liked the same foods, or in which all family members were hungry at the same time. It is also very common for mom and dad to disagree on meal time rules, such as how much children need to eat or what qualifies as appropriate table behavior.

The strategies we will talk about here are based on the assumption that your children are healthy and are growing at a reasonable rate. If that is not the case, disregard this post and make a meal time plan with your pediatrician and/or nutritionist.

A pre-meal time routine is a great way to signal to your family that it is time to start shifting gears in order to prepare to eat, especially at dinner. Five or ten minutes before the meal will be served, call the kids in to wash their hands and set the table. They can start helping at around 18 months of age by putting out the napkins. Don’t look for perfection, just participation. Older kids can set out silverware or get drinks.

Once the table is ready, ask the kids to sit down and talk with you while you get everything plated. This keeps them from getting underfoot and gives them a few minutes to settle in and prepare to sit through the meal. Young kids often don’t eat much, so they may finish their meals in only a few minutes. This routine gives you a little extra time to bond as a family.

No healthy child will allow himself to starve to death. Given this truth, consider what your priority is for each meal. In my family, I hope to physically nourish my children with food at breakfast and lunch. At dinner I want to nourish family relationships. Dinner is the only meal my kids have with their father, so spending meaningful time with him discussing the day is more important than what they eat.

If the kids misbehave at the table, they get one warning. If the behavior continues, they go to time out. This is not a big deal if you use the time out system effectively throughout the day. If they don’t, you will probably have an unpleasant meal as your food gets cold while you repeatedly re-deliver your child to the time out spot (without talking, of course). Remember that discipline is an investment, and a few lousy meals are an acceptable price to pay for the long-term benefits of teaching your child how to behave.  

If a child tries at least one bite of everything on the plate, and eats half or more of what you provided then says he is full, that counts as eating a meal. Remember that a healthy child will not allow himself to starve, so it is okay if he doesn’t eat a meal. However, we don’t want him developing the habit of snacking between meals instead. Tell a child who doesn’t want his dinner that it is perfectly fine for him to get down from the table, but that he will not get any more food until breakfast tomorrow morning. When he starts crying about being hungry in an hour or two, don’t give in. Simply remind him that he chose to wait until the next meal, and remind yourself that he will not starve. Feel free to offer him a glass of water instead of a snack.

Next time we will talk about what to do when your child is hungry but doesn’t like what you’ve prepared.

Is meal time pleasant in your home? If so, what makes it that way? If not, why?

Go for the “Yes”

Do you ever feel like the word “no” makes up 90% of the vocabulary you use with your kids?

“No, you can’t have cookies for breakfast.”

“No, we can’t go swimming right now—it is 5:00 in the morning.”

No. No.  No. Sound familiar?

I’ve noticed that sometimes I get so used to saying no that it automatically flies out of my mouth without thought. However, that is not the kind of mom I want to be, and I don’t want the general sense of negativity the word produces floating around in my house. Whenever possible, I want to be a yes mom.

There is a big difference between a yes mom and a permissive mom. A yes mom does not let her kids get away with misbehavior, nor does she give in to their every whim.  Rather, she is thoughtful enough, and emotionally present enough, to meet her child’s requests with positive options she can support. She can redirect her child without using the word no. For example, consider this dialogue:

Child: “I want to wear my raincoat as a dress today.”

Yes mom: “You may wear your raincoat over a dress, or you can wear it as a dress when we get home from having lunch with Grandma.”

Both options mom presented are reasonable and appropriate, and rather than automatically dismissing her child’s request, she incorporates it into the choices given.

Sometimes there aren’t two good alternatives to a child’s request, but we can still present a choice.  For example, during the school year, my daughter typically needs a jacket for her morning recess, but she doesn’t like wearing it in the car. Carrying it guarantees the jacket will come home on the floor of my SUV. Therefore, her choices are to wear it or put it in her backpack.

She does not like either of these options, and she has valid reasons for disliking them. However, we simply don’t have a good alternative. This happens to all of us sometimes, and we have to learn to make the best of an imperfect situation. As parents, we can stay positive and focus on teaching our children to consider the options and select one, even when it isn’t the solution they’d hoped for.

When we make a point of being yes moms, we force ourselves to consider our kids’ requests and craft thoughtful responses.  When our kids know we hear, and process, what they ask, they are validated and are more likely to behave in positive ways.

Smarter parents keep things positive when they can, even when denying a child’s request.

Under what circumstances to you find yourself saying no without really considering other possibilities?

Pick Your Battles

Last time we talked about giving kids choices. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed by the volume of choices we make in a day and it can be hard to decide which to hand over to our kids, which to make ourselves, and when to hold firm to our decisions when our kids want something different. We call this “picking our battles” because it just isn’t practical, fun, or relationship-building to argue over everything.

If we question everything our children do we will be in constant conflict. We want our kids to develop the ability to think, to assess situations, and to make appropriate decisions based on those assessments. This takes lots and lots of practice, trial and error, and the experience of making mistakes and learning from them. Let your children fail so they can learn from those encounters. It is one of the hardest things for parents to do, and it is one of the most educational for kids.

Take a few minutes to think about your values and your vision for your family. What is truly important to you? When your children are grown and they leave your home, what character traits do you want firmly planted in them? These will help you pick your battles. If your child makes a decision that conflicts with one of your core values, you will definitely want to address it. If he makes a choice that you don’t care for but it doesn’t impact his values, you can often let his choice stand.

Smarter parents give their children the opportunity to make smart choices, then pick their battles, focusing on the issues related to their values.

Do you feel like you can evaluate situations well in order to pick your battles wisely?

Learn more about picking your battles in a Smarter Parenting teleclass. Go to www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com today to get details and register.

Give Choices You Can Live With

Learning how to make decisions for yourself is part of growing up. Likewise, learning to let kids make their own choices is part of growing as a parent. It is important to start letting kids make their own choices, with limits, as early as possible because this is an area where kids and parents both need a lot of practice.

When letting your children make choices, give them two or three selections to pick from. Keep the offer simple with similar options. “Would you like to wear the pink shirt or the blue shirt with your jeans?” “Would you like to bring crackers, oranges, or carrots to snack on at the park?”

Make sure you can actually see the choices you are offering. This prevents problems like giving the pink shirt as a selection when it is in the laundry, or presenting oranges as a snack option because you don’t know your husband ate the last one at breakfast.

If your child takes a long time making a selection, give her a time limit. Say, “I am going to count to five and then you need to decide or I will pick one for you.” If you end up picking and she gets upset, remind her that she had an opportunity to choose and didn’t take it.

Your child may also have a different option in mind, like, “Can’t I wear the yellow shirt?” If you approve of the selection, allow it. If not, or if it is not available, simply say, “That is not a choice today.” Explain your reason for saying no if you can, but keep it short and to the point. Don’t get drawn into a debate.

Eventually, your child will grow to the point of deciding things for herself without your input. You will wake up one morning to find your child dressed and playing happily in her room. When this happens, give positive comments about her independence and praise her selection if you can. If she has not done a good job getting dressed, simply say something cheerful to acknowledge the effort, such as, “Hey, you got yourself ready!”

Do not criticize her selection, and do not undo it unless absolutely necessary. You don’t want to give your children the message that they are not capable of making good choices. As kids get older, they need to know they can be trusted to make good decisions all on their own.

When your child makes a good choice, praise it. When he makes a poor decision, think purposefully about the situation and decide whether it truly needs to be addressed or not.  If it does require some attention, simply say, “Please make a better choice.” Offer guidance on how to make a different decision, but don’t make it for your child—encourage him to try again.

Remember that our relationships with our children and their growing confidence in their ability to make choices are important – usually more important than what the child chooses.

When do you struggle to let your kids make their own choices?

For more on teaching kids to make good choices, join a Smarter Parenting teleclass. Go to www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com and click on Parent Coaching for more details.

When Others Need to Discipline Your Kids

Welcome to a new week! I hope that sometime this week you will get a little break for some rejuvenation. Hire a sitter and go on a date with your spouse. Drop the kids off at school and do some true shopping, where you take the time to see what’s new, try on some clothes, spray on a perfume sample, read the labels on food items, etc. Let grandma and grandpa take the kids for the day so you can have lunch and catch a movie with some girlfriends. We all need time to enjoy life without our kids, but that means leaving someone else in charge. Most moms wonder how much authority to give caregivers when it comes to discipline. The answer to this question is: it depends.

Instruct regularly-used babysitters on how time out works and give them permission to use it if needed. Remind them to be gentle and to focus on teaching. Don’t bother instructing the occasional sitter unless your child really needs the established routine in order to behave.

Talk to teachers and daycare providers about the discipline they use. Let the teacher/care provider know how you use time out at home and see if there is a way to incorporate the system used at school/daycare into your time out process. If there is and your child has trouble at school/daycare, talk to your child’s teacher about using the same combo-technique for maximum consistency.

The issue becomes sticky when grandparents supervise the kids. If your child’s grandparents watch him occasionally, just let them have fun and don’t worry about letting the discipline slide unless your child’s behavior becomes a problem. If the grandparents have your children often, teach them how to use time out and encourage them to follow your established routine.

Many grandparents don’t want to be disciplinarians; they want to be the fun adults in your child’s life. However, if the child won’t behave then no one has fun and the grandparent/grandchild relationship suffers.

If this is a problem in your family, remind your kids of how to behave before each visit with their grandparents. Depending on the ages, circumstances, and health conditions of their grandparents, these expectations may change with time and with different family members. These changes make it especially important to let the kids know to behave (give specific example or ideas) and how they can help make the visit a good experience. Ask them to be part of the family team so everyone can have fun, including grandma and grandpa.

Kids need to know that most of the rules are the same no matter who is in charge. While you should accept the fact that grandma and grandpa are probably more lenient, your kids shouldn’t take advantage of the situation. Help grandparents learn how to use time out by modeling it for them. Ask them to discreetly watch you put your child in time out so they see first-hand what to do. Remind them that the goal is to build positive, lasting relationships with their grandchildren and that those relationships become strained when the kids misbehave or when grandma and grandpa allow behavior that mom and dad don’t.

By working together with babysitters, teachers, and grandparents, you give your kids a consistent message that benefits everyone.

What do you do to let caregivers know they have the authority to discipline your kids?