Know How to Discipline in Public

You open your refrigerator door to look for breakfast, and realize you are out of milk, eggs, and several other staples. Time to make a grocery run. You grab your list and pack your kids into the car and head for the store.

After getting everyone settled into the cart, you begin, as we talked about last week, gathering your groceries by quickly working from your list, not slowing down to look at what’s new or to read labels. However, your speed doesn’t stop the kids from picking and poking at each other. As their annoyance grows, so do their voices. “Stop touching me!” yells one child. “I didn’t!” screams the other (the response my youngest daughter once gave to the “I didn’t touch you,” answer was, “You touched my atmosphere!”).

Before you know it, the kids are screeching, crying, and making an embarrassing scene. What do you do?

The first thing to remember is to be consistent. You don’t want your children to wonder, “How will Mom respond.” Therefore, it doesn’t matter if you are at home, the store, the park, or grandma’s house, use time out with a few minor modifications (For instructions on how to use time out effectively, see the blog post from August 6, 2012).

When a child misbehaves in public, give one warning, just like you do at home. Let him know that repeating the behavior will result in a time out wherever you happen to be. The second time your child acts up, find a spot for him to sit. Try to find an empty aisle of the grocery store (it may not stay empty, and that is okay—don’t move your child if someone enters the aisle), a quiet corner at the park, or an unused room in someone’s house (keeping the bathroom as a last resort). We want an uncrowded spot because we are trying to teach, not embarrass or distract the child away from his behavior.

Take your child to the spot you identified and have him sit for one minute per year of age. In public, you will not leave your child. Simply turn away from him so you won’t be engaged. If he leaves the spot, start the time over again. If you are in a store and he touches the items on the shelves or racks, start over again. If he screams or becomes overly unruly, leave your cart, take him to the car and do your time out there. After time out you can retrieve your cart and finish shopping or just come back another day if you prefer.

When the time is done, have your normal post-time out conversation by asking, “Why are you in time out,” “How can you handle this better next time,” and “Tell me you are sorry.” Then give your child a hug and move on.

Some kids may test you to see if you are really committed to sticking with this plan. Make it clear that you will not accept unreasonable behavior and you will correct your child, no matter where you are. You may have a few really bad outings while he tests you, but before long, he will learn that you mean business and his behavior will improve.

How have you corrected your child in public in the past? Was it effective? What do you plan to do next time?

For more tips and details on how to discipline in public, join a Smarter Parenting Teleclass! Register at www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com on the Parent Coaching page.

Take Active Steps to Manage Stress Part 5 – Know What is Important

No one makes great choices when stressed. It is especially hard to be patient and stay consistent with our kids when we feel under pressure. While we are all likely to blow our tops occasionally, there are five steps we can take to manage our stress so we are in a better emotional place to handle the situations that trigger our unwanted reactions.

The first strategy was to make time for God. The second was to find some quiet, uninterrupted time to do your adult thinking. The third was to take care of your physical needs. The fourth was to use tools to help you manage your time and your day. Today we finish talking about stress management.

The fifth strategy is to know what is important.

I once heard a personal coach say, “What is truly important is seldom urgent and what is urgent is seldom truly important.”  How true that is! 

Take some time to really consider your values. What is most important to you? What do you most want your kids to know before they leave your home as adults? What makes you fulfilled? There is no right or wrong answer as long as you figure out what is important to you and don’t let the urgencies of parenthood stop you from living in accordance with your values. 

Make sure that every day you do one thing that supports your values. It doesn’t need to be something big, just an action that lets you feel like you did something meaningful during the day. Perhaps you prayed with your child, or read a story about kindness, or picked up a few pieces of trash at the park.

At the end of the day, you want to be able to say, “I did a bunch of dishes and laundry. I changed a lot of diapers. I listened to a load of whining and had to discipline more than I hoped. However, I also did something that really mattered to me on a different level.” Doing something meaningful helps fight feelings of stress and gives you more patience.

When you do a better job of managing stress you keep your mind clear and can better use your Smarter Parenting strategies.

Learn more Smarter Parenting strategies in the teleclass. Find out more at www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com and click on Parent Coaching.

Take Active Steps to Manage Stress Part 4 – Use Tools to Manage Your Day

No one makes great choices when stressed. It is especially hard to be patient and stay consistent with our kids when we feel under pressure. While we are all likely to blow our tops occasionally, there are five steps we can take to manage our stress so we are in a better emotional place to handle the situations that trigger our unwanted reactions.

Strategy 4 is to use tools to manage our days more effectively.

When my mind is on one hundred things at a time, I can’t focus on anything.  I spend my time working on a little bit of everything, leaving a day’s work that reveals no visible results.  I end up tired and frustrated because despite all my hard work I have nothing to show for it. 

I realize it sound tedious if you are not a list maker, but keeping a “to do” list really does help.  When I know that phone call I need to make is on my list I can finish the task at hand without worrying I’ll forget about it.  When laundry is on the list I know I will get to it and I don’t have to start a load just because I’m reminded it needs to be done.  The list is my memory and all I need to remember is to write things down and finish what I’ve started before moving on to the next item. This allows me to actually be productive and to see some real results rather than just working all day without accomplishing anything.

For some people it works to write down everything needing to be done, for others it helps to write a shorter, modified list that includes only the top five things you need to do.  Or maybe you just list the little projects that keep slipping through the cracks.  Experiment and use the type of list that makes you feel in control of your day. The sort of list you use may change with time, but if your list is stressing you out then it is the wrong type.

Another list I find helpful relates to my least favorite question of the day, “What’s for dinner?”  You can answer this by planning your meals in advance. Whether you go to one of those places where you assemble a bunch of dishes to put in your freezer, cook in advance at home to fill your freezer, use a meal planning website such as relishrelish.com, or simply work out a list of meals to make for the week, you will find that knowing what you will make in advance is a big stress reliever.

Knowing what you are going to cook also helps you make a grocery list. Never take your children to the grocery store unless you have your list with you. Know what you need, and grab it. Do not take the time to read labels or compare prices when shopping with your kids. Get what you know works and move on. Find a time when the kids are with dad or at school to do your real shopping.

To learn about more tools to help you feel in control of your time and your day, register for the Smarter Parenting Teleclass at www.MotheringLikeTheFather.com.

Take Active Steps To Manage Stress Part 3 – Take Care of Yourself

No one makes great choices when stressed. It is especially hard to be patient and stay consistent with our kids when we feel under pressure. While we are all likely to blow our tops occasionally, there are five steps we can take to manage our stress so we are in a better emotional place to handle the situations that trigger our unwanted reactions.

The first strategy was to make time for God. The second was to find some quiet time to do your adult thinking. Today we move on to strategy three.

The next strategy is to take care of yourself.

I find that when I take care of myself and have a clear head, I can pretty much handle what comes my way with some element of grace and style.  When I am running on five hours of sleep, have a tummy full of junk, am a couple of days past due on a shower and have my mind racing six directions at once, I get stressed out and am not smart in the way I respond to my kids.

Pregnancy changes our bodies, but after the baby arrives we often don’t pay much attention to our own physical needs. I encourage you to take some time, and if necessary, ask your spouse, one of your parents or siblings, or a friend to help you. Figure out how much sleep you actually need and what time that sleep needs to start (once your kids are sleeping through the night, of course). Relearn what foods make you feel good, recognizing that some of your old favorites might not work for you anymore. Determine how much exercise you need, and what type of exercise makes you feel energized.

Keep in mind that your kids melt down when they get tired, hungry, or cranky. So do parents, we just call it losing our patience. When we get enough sleep and eat foods that make us feel good, we are able to better manage our stress and respond to the daily challenges of parenthood in smarter ways.

Also, taking care of our bodies is a way of respecting our families and respecting God.  When we are functioning at our best, we can give our families our best.  Likewise, if we want the Holy Spirit to live happily in us, we need to give it a nice place to live.  We wouldn’t invite God over to our house if it was falling apart, we would clean it up and make it comfortable for him.  Our bodies are no different.

This is also an area where are kids are watching so we need to be aware of what we model.  Love yourself so your kids see how to do it for themselves.  Also, moms, make sure your kids see you taking time for yourself, going out with friends, pursuing hobbies, whatever you like to do.  It is ok for kids to know their moms are whole people who leave the house to go places other than Super Target and church. 

Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it is an important step in refueling yourself and managing your stress so you can give your family your best.